So you had a bad day

Journal Time (hope you don’t mind)…

Today was a hard day. I know we all have them, but sometimes I feel guilty for admitting that I do. Should I? Is that my soul’s way of correcting my behavior? No, it’s human nature, and I know this. I guess that is part of the problem with online identities. I see so many others playing up that life is perfect, and then berating others who complain. That tells me I’m not the only one. When I admit online that I am having a hard day I hear people tell me, “Look for the good.” “You have nothing to complain about, you are so blessed.” And I suppose I should (seek the positive), and I know that I am (very blessed), ┬ábut I’m being completely honest when I say that sometimes I just need to feel what I feel, and it’s hard to feel good when I feel like I feel today.

The good news is that I know tomorrow is a new day, and with it I will very likely feel better.

I am really, really tired, and one of the things I’m learning is that I don’t do well when I’m tired. Nay, exhausted. Everything bugged me today: my husband, my kids, something hurtful someone said the other day that popped up in my swirling, foggy brain at this very wrong time to think about it. How do you just let go when you are feeling controlled, whined at, and ridiculed? Is it possible for me?

I wrote this today after lashing out at my kids, and even my husband. After doing so I put myself in time out and tried to take a nap (ha! What was I thinking?).

 

The wind of exhaustion whips through my body,

Stirring tiredness, edginess, anger.

I yell out, a belt across your heart, leaving marks unseen.

Guilt rides through me, a wave of emotion I cannot harness.

A wave cresting and crashing on the unprepared.

What am I doing in this ocean?

Tomorrow is a new day, but to you mamas out there that feel this way, please know that you are not alone. Sometimes we yell, sometimes we cry in quiet. Sometimes we wonder if God actually hates us. Obviously we can get a little irrational in our thinking, but when I do calm down I realize that no, God does not actually hate me. I’m just wired in a way that sometimes I have a really hard day. And if God really made us in His image, then I’m guessing so does He.

P.S. I tried to make up for it just a little bit by painting with my very artistic daughter. Don’t look too closely (I’ve never painted anything before). My cat is on the left, hers is on the right. She amazes me.

Cats

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